New-age old age

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Save your pity… old age homes are no longer the last refuge of the abandoned old folks. they are the newest hangout joints for the young at heart. TSI socialises with some happy and healthy souls...

New-age old age

Living in a modest home in the heart of the country, this is the story of a couple who was not very affluent to say, but solvent enough to keep themselves and their two sons happy. Striving to keep pace with the world with their busy jobs, the couple spent time doting on their children and dreaming for their future. Like every set of parents, this couple too placed their kids before them, and the children grew up with a lot of love and respect for their folks. Years went by and the two sons married, earned respectable jobs of their own and led comfortable lives. However, fate robbed them of their father and the mother resorted to a routine of alternately staying at her sons’ residences. They of course gave her a comfortable life, and gave her no opportunity for any complaints. And yet, the place where I met her wasn't either of her children’s abodes, but an old age home.

Mrs Murthy wasn't sent there by her sons; she chose it for herself. And surprisingly, she isn't the only odd case. The usual impression of an old age home is that of a refuge for the abandoned where pity pours for the senile disenfranchised, and bewilderment at the heartless ways of what they call blood. Not so here.

I visited one so-called old age home, but far from the gloomy hallways of a cold institution, this one was like one huge bustling joint family. "Coming here was a tough call," said Mrs Murthy, basking in the afternoon sun. "I lost my husband about three years ago and since then I had been dependent on my sons. They and their wives are very kind and gave me all the comfort." Then what made her choose this life away from family? "I found no purpose in my life there. After my husband was gone, I was suddenly left with no one to share my thoughts and feelings with. I wanted to be with people like me, those I would have common things to talk about," she said. Mrs Murthy wasn't the only one sailor in this boat of what she called 'choice living'. Two others I met had jettisoned all comforts and sought out this family for companionship.

While these ladies spoke of their desire to be in a place and with people where their hearts would feel at home, I wondered about the right steps to take for a son or daughter in the wake of a dilemma like this. Psychiatrist Dr Deepa Kaul helped me find an answer. "After a certain age, especially upon retirement from work and children’s marriage, people usually don't find any useful purpose of living. Also boredom sets in when one doesn't have a partner," she explained. Children might provide all the material comfort, but it has been observed that comfort and hours of watching TV doesn't really match up to a social life where mindsets match. In the face of such a request, Dr Kaul’s suggestions for the offspring are, "Don't take offense. Understand and don't force them to live with you due to emotional ties. At that age, it’s more important to help your folks keep frustration at bay."

The atmosphere at this old age home (name withheld on request) made me leave my sympathies at the door. There were also those sent away forcibly, but you couldn’t tell those from the ones there of their own accord. Everyone had smile on their faces. One of the office bearers of the old age home, Mr K Puri said, "It’s usually tough for children to send their parents away from them, and especially when they know that they can take care of the parents. But there's a certain sense of freedom that old citizens feel when here. Even those who had come feeling invalid, involve themselves in little hobbies. Most importantly, staying with people of the same age, talking and sharing experiences about being through similar phases in life, makes life interesting."

In the West, once 18, children are supposed to make independent lives; here, the interdependence – traditional and often voluntary – continues well into the grandparent-age of the parents. Surely a boon in most cases, and yet may be a little selfish to impose our expectations all over again in their twilight years. As long as it ensures health and happiness, let’s be open to it. 

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